My Confessions
by
Edbarg Donchereau
This, is the story of my life. A story, I have been willing and wanting to tell, but have had, no recourse really, to do as such. A story, that very much has humble beginnings, but winds, with a testament, to human folly.
I was born, in the small Kenyan City, of Mombasa, where I pretty much grew up, a loner, and inclined to do so, on my own. At a very young age, I had somehow come to an understanding, that life and humanity itself, was teeming, with primitivity all over. I was born, what they do term, Shiraz, and amongst my peoples, the Swahili, I was somewhat a pariah, as in even, being accused, of being a killer, in my last previous lifetimes, amongst them. It made no sense to me, but a pariah I was born, and life as a youth in most ways, was spent attempting in all, to prove, that I was actually, Gods right hand man. The name, Donchereau, was bestowed on me, by the Swahili, in their beliefs really, that any tainted blood or genes I carried, had to do, with my European Moor ancestry. In their minds and realms, there was absolutely no way, or possibility even, I was of full Swahili blood, having really, many times in my youth, lost my temper, in a rather furious manner, as with disagreement. They called me Edbarg too, to catch my attention, as I had in all truly, at a very young age too, lost interest, in creating or making, any forms of bonds, with other humans.
Growing up though was easy, the Swahili made it so. My fitting in on the otherhand, was not, as the Swahili youth I engaged with, in conversation of all kinds, had taken to thought levels, of enlightened philosophy, as with a firm understanding truly, that the Swahili, were the only people on the whole wide world, untainted, in just about any manner or way. I on the otherhand, made for interesting conversation, as to when probably, I would actually die; in my twenties, or at the best, in my fifties, having just made it.
My youth in many ways too, was spent traveling, into the Kenyan innerlands, as with mainly accompanying, the Swahili, on various tasks to be completed, within especially, the city of Nairobi. Tasks having to do, with the numerous businesses, that the Swahili owned, and amongst the most profitable too, within Kenya itself. It was there too, that I lost, any interest truly, having to do with life, or success even. To me, Nairobi at the very least, made Dickens London, a romantic place, I longed truly to visit. Money was made, amongst all kinds of filth, and to my European Moor sensibilities, we could well, have been making millions, while working in garbage pits, all over. All people ever did in Nairobi at least, was talk of money, and the belief, of a Kikuyu and Indian mafia, controlling it all, when in reality to me, only the Swahili appeared to do any work, amongst this complaint filled talk.
My youth in many ways too again, was spent even, asking about, the fundamental questions of life, what to do with it. I had no idea. At the very least, Africa, had absolutely, no part in it all. For to me, the African was lost mired in ancient thought, as with the belief, that owning a small farm, a Mercedes, and a small mansion in suit, qualified one, to be heard in speech, or even, for an entry into heaven itself. African thought to me, was primitive, as with even truly, God and Religion, having abandoned them all. The Swahili on the otherhand, had great ideas for me, but to which, I did not take too much interest in, as they all spoke, of holding prominent and prestigious really, positions, in just about every locale, here and there, but outside truly, the Swahili world.
My teenage years, were spent without too much passing interest. As a child, the Swahili had seen to it, to heavily program me really, with the music filled environments, of Mozart, Wolfgang, or Amadeus, as an experiment really, to wipe out any faulty, European blood and genes, I might possess, by having me in all truly believe, I was just like Mozart. The end result though, was a rather huge dissatisfaction with life, as with Mozart coming to represent, beauty, in just about everyway really, and my environs, outside the Swahili world atleast, rather ugly, to view, or even hold in thought really. My life, as I was coming slowly to realize, was messed, nothing out there, held any interest to me, with regards to even thought itself. Growing up, was a bore. I had the audacity even really, to smoke my first cigarette, at eight years old, and immediately, developed a huge distaste, for it. Almost as a response too, as with having done so really, I noticed, a growing lack of enthusiasm, to other forms, of materiality out there, including supposed beautiful women, all as if made pale and mundane even, by the very act, of smoking, my very first cigarette, at eight years old. To make it even worse, thought patterns inspired, at the very least, by the music of Mozart, made everything, as with feelings and emotion really, much uglier, to the eye itself.
Having spent again, my early youth, learning how to swim, I did though, through an acquaintance I met, a James, develop, an interest in the Martial Arts, and Weight Training itself. But my interest, was not similar, to that of others, as with the actual practice, of these two. Most out there, did the two above, with the end goal of training really, as with becoming rather fit, and having a body, to show off at least, to others out there. An admirable achievement in itself, as I have come to believe, that the average Human out there, believes that making a million, is rather a difficult task really, and having a well built and formed body, a rather easy one. To them, all I know, is that, their thought patterns, are turned inside out.
Rather than obsess, myself with thought, of growing up, and making money even, I sought to engage in, the Martial Arts, and Weight Training, from a different perspective: that of an Education. To me, thoughts of marriage even, held no gravity at all, as my rather ingrained European Moor sensibilities, had me in all truly believing, we lived during the times, of the Apocalypse itself. Civilization was probably over, everything out there to behold, was ugliness, as a professor in Philosophy 101, would easily point out.
I though truly, did have a life, to live out, and how it would be lived out, came to be heavily inspired, by my foray, into Weight Training, and the Martial Arts themselves. For as I mentioned before, I chose to see both of these, from the perspective, of an Education, and not Training. The wise words, of Bruce Lee, almost a Father figure, taught me in many ways, how to create structures in my life, as with even psychological, to help manifest, any realities, I very much sought to make. I never did train really, in the Martial Arts, but spent time, watching Bruce Lee movies, and reading his many books, while asking the worthwhile endeavouring question, “why would he do, or say that?”. Bruce Lee to me, had the many answers, to how in all truly, to see myself structurally, politically, and psychologically even, as with convincing me even, that living humbly, being an Orthodox Christian, and a European Moor in suit too, was the way, to create structure in my life, and all supported truly, by Bruce Lee like musings of my own, but of the Greek philosophist kind really.
My entry into Weight Training though, was probably perhaps, of more amusement to others, the Swahili, as with any weights I owned, left rather untouched, but book after book, read through, as if in preparation, for my big training day. It was however truly, Arnold Schwarzenegger, that held me in sway and interest, as everything he had to say, from the perspective of Education, was of rather great interest to me. Arnold, as some did call him, became almost, like a Mother figure to me, as he simply had the most interesting things to say, on just how, to basically go about, doing anything. His training sets for instance, were so well tailored, that following them to the tee, gave one, the very body, they wished for. I followed his logic, on how to think about things, as I realized, applying his thoughts and logic, to anything out there, helped me learn, how to go about doing just about anything, and heavily too, from the perspective, of learning how to pace myself properly really. To me, having learnt a lot of pacing theory perhaps, from ‘Arnold’, I learnt how, to apply the same reasoning really, to any event deemed really, rather stressful, as with preparing even, for a Semester in the making, Exam, within one week, as with learning really, how to properly pace myself, in studying, for such an Exam. To me, ‘Arnie’, had completely philosophized, stress, strain and pressure even, all from the perspective really, of learning really, how to pace oneself.
I finally too, believed myself, rather Intelligent, and not as a Killer, as the Swahili might have supposed, but from actually, listening day in and day out, to the Music of Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus, and coming to realize, that all intelligence truly, could be philosophized, from the perspective, of beauty. To me, anything said, done, or thought up even, had to have in it, the markers of beauty, or fail, to hold sway, in any way or form, as with attempted, intellectual thought and thinking. I was naturally intelligent, and simply by just listening, to the ideas, of any one being out there, human or not, I could easily, make out, whom they were, by grading them really, from the perspective and markers, of beauty itself.
As a result, of living, in a rather ugly world, Africa being the most ugliest, I could not foresee, and in my twenties too, what to do, with my life. I thought of making it, in the movies. I thought of becoming, a musician, and finally even, owning my own, Electronics Company. I would manufacture all forms and kinds, of Electronics, for the fun of it, and sell them.
I however, came to realize, that none of these ideas, held any interest to me. For to say the truth really, I knew how to achieve the success I sought out I believed, but came to realize, I had no patience truly, not for success truly again, but for other humans out there, whose behaviour, and ideals, paled to those, Mozart, had ingrained in me, with regards really, to beauty. Everyone out there to me, appeared in all, to act like a dimwit, of one kind or another. Success, as advertised even, required me to work with such folks, and at a rather young age, I arrived at the conclusion, I had no desire, to do as such.
I though, also realized, as perhaps with my, European Moor genes kicking up, that I had, rather high ideals, to life itself. Ideals, that had no physical structure to them, I believing, we were truly, living in the last days, but as with my foray again, into History itself, Greek, had me realize, I could perhaps, live out my life, and immortalize myself even perhaps, as an Immortal, and a Greek one too, and perhaps again too really, be remembered, for all time. What though, I was to be remembered for, had not been thought out, but at the very least, its polar opposite, was Africa.
With these thoughts, in my mind, and having deemed, and anointed even, Mozart, ‘Arnold’, and Bruce, as Immortals too, I set out, to live my life, with at the very least, attempting to do anything, that would bring me, infamy. Whether it was I, standing ahead of the other three, or my being, right at their back, and we all too, ready to face any challenge perhaps, the world might throw at us, I pretty much knew, I was bound to become, an Immortal, due to the knowing really, of what song, would make for my life, as with explaining all my trials, or obstacles I would face. Whether I died, early or not, as some of the Swahili, continued to proclaim, I atleast believed, I had been immortalized even, in Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer’ song. The Stage was set, the Soundtrack too ready, and my life, as an Immortal, was already underway, by truly believing, the other three Immortals, to accompany me, in anything, I would do, or attempt to do really too.
End of Part 1……………
by
Edbarg Donchereau
This, is the story of my life. A story, I have been willing and wanting to tell, but have had, no recourse really, to do as such. A story, that very much has humble beginnings, but winds, with a testament, to human folly.
I was born, in the small Kenyan City, of Mombasa, where I pretty much grew up, a loner, and inclined to do so, on my own. At a very young age, I had somehow come to an understanding, that life and humanity itself, was teeming, with primitivity all over. I was born, what they do term, Shiraz, and amongst my peoples, the Swahili, I was somewhat a pariah, as in even, being accused, of being a killer, in my last previous lifetimes, amongst them. It made no sense to me, but a pariah I was born, and life as a youth in most ways, was spent attempting in all, to prove, that I was actually, Gods right hand man. The name, Donchereau, was bestowed on me, by the Swahili, in their beliefs really, that any tainted blood or genes I carried, had to do, with my European Moor ancestry. In their minds and realms, there was absolutely no way, or possibility even, I was of full Swahili blood, having really, many times in my youth, lost my temper, in a rather furious manner, as with disagreement. They called me Edbarg too, to catch my attention, as I had in all truly, at a very young age too, lost interest, in creating or making, any forms of bonds, with other humans.
Growing up though was easy, the Swahili made it so. My fitting in on the otherhand, was not, as the Swahili youth I engaged with, in conversation of all kinds, had taken to thought levels, of enlightened philosophy, as with a firm understanding truly, that the Swahili, were the only people on the whole wide world, untainted, in just about any manner or way. I on the otherhand, made for interesting conversation, as to when probably, I would actually die; in my twenties, or at the best, in my fifties, having just made it.
My youth in many ways too, was spent traveling, into the Kenyan innerlands, as with mainly accompanying, the Swahili, on various tasks to be completed, within especially, the city of Nairobi. Tasks having to do, with the numerous businesses, that the Swahili owned, and amongst the most profitable too, within Kenya itself. It was there too, that I lost, any interest truly, having to do with life, or success even. To me, Nairobi at the very least, made Dickens London, a romantic place, I longed truly to visit. Money was made, amongst all kinds of filth, and to my European Moor sensibilities, we could well, have been making millions, while working in garbage pits, all over. All people ever did in Nairobi at least, was talk of money, and the belief, of a Kikuyu and Indian mafia, controlling it all, when in reality to me, only the Swahili appeared to do any work, amongst this complaint filled talk.
My youth in many ways too again, was spent even, asking about, the fundamental questions of life, what to do with it. I had no idea. At the very least, Africa, had absolutely, no part in it all. For to me, the African was lost mired in ancient thought, as with the belief, that owning a small farm, a Mercedes, and a small mansion in suit, qualified one, to be heard in speech, or even, for an entry into heaven itself. African thought to me, was primitive, as with even truly, God and Religion, having abandoned them all. The Swahili on the otherhand, had great ideas for me, but to which, I did not take too much interest in, as they all spoke, of holding prominent and prestigious really, positions, in just about every locale, here and there, but outside truly, the Swahili world.
My teenage years, were spent without too much passing interest. As a child, the Swahili had seen to it, to heavily program me really, with the music filled environments, of Mozart, Wolfgang, or Amadeus, as an experiment really, to wipe out any faulty, European blood and genes, I might possess, by having me in all truly believe, I was just like Mozart. The end result though, was a rather huge dissatisfaction with life, as with Mozart coming to represent, beauty, in just about everyway really, and my environs, outside the Swahili world atleast, rather ugly, to view, or even hold in thought really. My life, as I was coming slowly to realize, was messed, nothing out there, held any interest to me, with regards to even thought itself. Growing up, was a bore. I had the audacity even really, to smoke my first cigarette, at eight years old, and immediately, developed a huge distaste, for it. Almost as a response too, as with having done so really, I noticed, a growing lack of enthusiasm, to other forms, of materiality out there, including supposed beautiful women, all as if made pale and mundane even, by the very act, of smoking, my very first cigarette, at eight years old. To make it even worse, thought patterns inspired, at the very least, by the music of Mozart, made everything, as with feelings and emotion really, much uglier, to the eye itself.
Having spent again, my early youth, learning how to swim, I did though, through an acquaintance I met, a James, develop, an interest in the Martial Arts, and Weight Training itself. But my interest, was not similar, to that of others, as with the actual practice, of these two. Most out there, did the two above, with the end goal of training really, as with becoming rather fit, and having a body, to show off at least, to others out there. An admirable achievement in itself, as I have come to believe, that the average Human out there, believes that making a million, is rather a difficult task really, and having a well built and formed body, a rather easy one. To them, all I know, is that, their thought patterns, are turned inside out.
Rather than obsess, myself with thought, of growing up, and making money even, I sought to engage in, the Martial Arts, and Weight Training, from a different perspective: that of an Education. To me, thoughts of marriage even, held no gravity at all, as my rather ingrained European Moor sensibilities, had me in all truly believing, we lived during the times, of the Apocalypse itself. Civilization was probably over, everything out there to behold, was ugliness, as a professor in Philosophy 101, would easily point out.
I though truly, did have a life, to live out, and how it would be lived out, came to be heavily inspired, by my foray, into Weight Training, and the Martial Arts themselves. For as I mentioned before, I chose to see both of these, from the perspective, of an Education, and not Training. The wise words, of Bruce Lee, almost a Father figure, taught me in many ways, how to create structures in my life, as with even psychological, to help manifest, any realities, I very much sought to make. I never did train really, in the Martial Arts, but spent time, watching Bruce Lee movies, and reading his many books, while asking the worthwhile endeavouring question, “why would he do, or say that?”. Bruce Lee to me, had the many answers, to how in all truly, to see myself structurally, politically, and psychologically even, as with convincing me even, that living humbly, being an Orthodox Christian, and a European Moor in suit too, was the way, to create structure in my life, and all supported truly, by Bruce Lee like musings of my own, but of the Greek philosophist kind really.
My entry into Weight Training though, was probably perhaps, of more amusement to others, the Swahili, as with any weights I owned, left rather untouched, but book after book, read through, as if in preparation, for my big training day. It was however truly, Arnold Schwarzenegger, that held me in sway and interest, as everything he had to say, from the perspective of Education, was of rather great interest to me. Arnold, as some did call him, became almost, like a Mother figure to me, as he simply had the most interesting things to say, on just how, to basically go about, doing anything. His training sets for instance, were so well tailored, that following them to the tee, gave one, the very body, they wished for. I followed his logic, on how to think about things, as I realized, applying his thoughts and logic, to anything out there, helped me learn, how to go about doing just about anything, and heavily too, from the perspective, of learning how to pace myself properly really. To me, having learnt a lot of pacing theory perhaps, from ‘Arnold’, I learnt how, to apply the same reasoning really, to any event deemed really, rather stressful, as with preparing even, for a Semester in the making, Exam, within one week, as with learning really, how to properly pace myself, in studying, for such an Exam. To me, ‘Arnie’, had completely philosophized, stress, strain and pressure even, all from the perspective really, of learning really, how to pace oneself.
I finally too, believed myself, rather Intelligent, and not as a Killer, as the Swahili might have supposed, but from actually, listening day in and day out, to the Music of Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus, and coming to realize, that all intelligence truly, could be philosophized, from the perspective, of beauty. To me, anything said, done, or thought up even, had to have in it, the markers of beauty, or fail, to hold sway, in any way or form, as with attempted, intellectual thought and thinking. I was naturally intelligent, and simply by just listening, to the ideas, of any one being out there, human or not, I could easily, make out, whom they were, by grading them really, from the perspective and markers, of beauty itself.
As a result, of living, in a rather ugly world, Africa being the most ugliest, I could not foresee, and in my twenties too, what to do, with my life. I thought of making it, in the movies. I thought of becoming, a musician, and finally even, owning my own, Electronics Company. I would manufacture all forms and kinds, of Electronics, for the fun of it, and sell them.
I however, came to realize, that none of these ideas, held any interest to me. For to say the truth really, I knew how to achieve the success I sought out I believed, but came to realize, I had no patience truly, not for success truly again, but for other humans out there, whose behaviour, and ideals, paled to those, Mozart, had ingrained in me, with regards really, to beauty. Everyone out there to me, appeared in all, to act like a dimwit, of one kind or another. Success, as advertised even, required me to work with such folks, and at a rather young age, I arrived at the conclusion, I had no desire, to do as such.
I though, also realized, as perhaps with my, European Moor genes kicking up, that I had, rather high ideals, to life itself. Ideals, that had no physical structure to them, I believing, we were truly, living in the last days, but as with my foray again, into History itself, Greek, had me realize, I could perhaps, live out my life, and immortalize myself even perhaps, as an Immortal, and a Greek one too, and perhaps again too really, be remembered, for all time. What though, I was to be remembered for, had not been thought out, but at the very least, its polar opposite, was Africa.
With these thoughts, in my mind, and having deemed, and anointed even, Mozart, ‘Arnold’, and Bruce, as Immortals too, I set out, to live my life, with at the very least, attempting to do anything, that would bring me, infamy. Whether it was I, standing ahead of the other three, or my being, right at their back, and we all too, ready to face any challenge perhaps, the world might throw at us, I pretty much knew, I was bound to become, an Immortal, due to the knowing really, of what song, would make for my life, as with explaining all my trials, or obstacles I would face. Whether I died, early or not, as some of the Swahili, continued to proclaim, I atleast believed, I had been immortalized even, in Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer’ song. The Stage was set, the Soundtrack too ready, and my life, as an Immortal, was already underway, by truly believing, the other three Immortals, to accompany me, in anything, I would do, or attempt to do really too.
End of Part 1……………
